My hope goes from thing to thing. The reason it needs the next thing is because it’s not on/in the Lord completely. My hope is in the next thing I feel I need or want. I can’t separate my hope for the next thing from my hope in You. Waiting is hard because I’m not solely waiting on You, expecting You to work and move for my good. I’m painfully and desperately waiting for the thing/circumstance I want, afraid of being left out again. I have hope in You, but not solely. I also have hope in the desperate needs and wants of my heart. I’m always afraid because my hope and expectation is in both, You, and the “things”. That way will never lead to peace.
I only feel seen when I suffer. Yet,God wants me to understand my worth to Him. My importance to the Father. I have been called to live a hard life, at least so far, but, my identity is not in my suffering. I’m nobody’s sloppy seconds and He isn’t going to allow me to speak as some way to appease the desire in my desperate soul which would only further my dependence on people, their affirmation, and my hope in things.
I will speak when I understand my worth to Him. My solid unchanging value to God Almighty. That my suffering had purpose, a divine one, but, it was in no way, shape or form, to introduce me, to myself, as an identity, or to the world, as a pitiful desperate person. Nor, to tear me down and belittle me into shameful shape. The purpose of my suffering (and yours) was, and is, so the works of God could be manifested in us and through our lives. Not to bring us low and humiliate us.
Through our suffering we find our worth. Our worth in Christ. Our suffering will lead us to the lover of our soul. The One who’s sole intention is to remake us and lift our heads, so His glory can be completely revealed in who we are. The suffering doesn’t make us seen, it draws us to the One who has seen us with love all along.
