Pain accompanies the Promise

As a barren woman who received a promise of children from the Lord, I thought for some time at the beginning of that journey that it would be easy. Why? Because God had given me a promise. And this book tracks all I have learned about the proper place and purposes for the miracles we experience. 

Things with God are so often not what they seem.

He is always working in inconceivable ways that reach far beyond even our wildest imaginations. In a nutshell, here is the story of yet another lesson learned in the dark. 

I am a barren woman to whom the Lord gave children. Seven, to be exact. After years of mental struggles, the Lord paved a very long, hard, and confusing path to mothering with: 

  • a blended family, 
  • IVF
  • the conception of twins,
  • severe preeclampsia
  • incorrect test result 
  • preterm labor
  • near-death during my thirty-six-hour labor
  • my son died sixteen hours after birth
  • NICU stay for my daughter
  • prolonged sickness for her beginning at age one
  • two miscarriages within six months in 2019 
  • reproductive surgery in 2020
  • subsequent pregnancy of my rainbow baby, Ivy Raine, born July, 16, via emergency c-section. Ivy’s pregnancy was very high risk and she stopped growing at around twenty-eight weeks. When she finally arrived, we were so overjoyed!

After Ivy’s birth, I seemed to be recovering well. However, after being home just a week, I began having chest pain and couldn’t breathe. My pulse dropped to 32 beats a minute while my blood pressure soared over 170/90. I was rushed to the ER where my oxygen levels consistently dropped into the low sixties all night. My heart was showing signs of great stress and enlargement. The doctors talked to me and my mom about heart failure. They did not know what was going on, or why. All anyone knew was that I was fighting for my life. 

I was so distressed laying there that night. I was wrestling with God so hard. I didn’t feel ready to die, I felt scared, not so much for myself but for my family. I pleaded with God. I looked up the verse of the day on the Bible app and it was about death. I googled sermons from different, unrelated Bible teachers that I like and, I kid you not, every sermon was about death, dying, and eternal life.

I felt frustrated and overwhelmed but finally decided to settle and listen. After listening to Dr. David Jeremiah preach on the power of Christ over our lives and deaths, my spirit broke open in willing submission, no matter the cost. I penned this:

You were there in the hospital room when I felt alone and consumed with unbearable desperation. You once again brought me back to the place of the source of my fears. You held me while I peered into death’s door. You were patient with me as I wrestled over the “why’s” of that night. You cried with me as my past threatened to swallow me whole. Your tears washed my bloodied spirit and made it clean. Your perfect love kept me there in the hospital, in the uncertainty and pain of the night. I reached a point of truly having nothing left… no fight, no strength, and no desire. It was at that moment I said to You, “I have nothing left.” 

The night of the darkness of my soul broke wide open. You said to me in the midst of the dark, cold, sterile hospital room, “Good! That’s exactly how you are supposed to be. You don’t need to have anything, because I have everything you need.” 

The peace of stopping the struggle beneath the weight of divine pain became clear to me that night. Treasures are all around us in dark places. We need to train our eyes to see because in His light we see light. In that which we fear, He is most present. When it is darkness all about us, it is totally light to Him.

I learned almost half a year later that my heart was in dire shape. I received some test results that I had somehow missed. They showed my heart, humanly speaking, should have quit beating that night. What a testimony to the sovereign power of God. Nothing happens without him and nothing escapes him.

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