Inner development

Inner Change

Something has definitely changed hugely in my inner life. Let me explain, on the way home from a play date with a friend in late January, of 22, Eden was overtired and began throwing a massive fit. You know one of those, makes no sense, kinda fits. She was demanding ice cream and popsicles, and super outraged that I couldn’t just make it appear. She dropped her stuffed rabbit and that made things worse, but kicking her shoe off was the last straw! We had a long drive home and she just continued to scream. During her screeching she got her baby sister all upset too. So they are both back there screaming, Eden kicking my seat, hitting the window, & hysterical.

I felt an intense anger inside myself. Boiling up and getting ready to bust out. I imagined reaching back into the back seat and smacking my arm around while screaming, I pictured grabbing Eden’s leg and yelling, and of course, I imagined screaming curse words.

But then I heard a still small voice inside my spirit say, you don’t have to lose control. I immediately thought back, but I want to. I proceeded to think, I always do! I’m not able to control this. Then the still small voice said, yes, you can. Then immediately the verse I’ve written down and been reading in hopes to encourage myself and memorize came into my mind. And the still small voice said, use it. So I took a deep breath and said, Jesus please help me. I recited the verse. I immediately felt a sense of calm come over me in the middle of that emotional storm.

Eden and Ivy were still screaming but I continued to recite the verse in my mind. I prayed, Lord I have never been able to do this, to be in control of my emotions, please help me. I felt continued peace and divine strengthening. I continued to pray and recite the verse.

I remained calm. I never let my emotions go. I was for the first time that I can consciously remember able to & chose to have & exercise self-control over my emotions.

But, it’s important to note that these weren’t just extreme emotions, these were my trauma triggered emotions. Something I have never been able to control under pressure.

God did a miracle in me.

I was able to eventually calm Eden and help her to understand her behavior was poor. She was able to take that in because I wasn’t raging at her, shaming, or being unkind, out of my own intense emotions.

From that day on I have had a quiet strength in me. I have began to see my daughter differently and have enjoyed parenting more. I have gotten up repeatedly during the night with my children, stopped sleeping in and leaving to my husband in the mornings, & overall, just been more calm and present. I have continued to claim the truth and power of Christ in my life in other situations such as church where there is tremendous past pain.

I have been able to face more and more my desperate internal desires to be in control of my life. I have seen more of the root of my fears over my future & the gaping wounds my heart has.

But in all of this I have seen for the first time since beginning my journey of healing that the power of God can change my traumatized heart. I have had much healing in my life up to this point, but my emotions & past traumas have not been. This is new. I have seen scripture hold me together. I have chosen through the spirit of God to truly begin stepping out of the world of sickness and into the world of emotional stability.

Until very recently I have had one foot in the sick world & one foot out. There are many reasons for this.

One, is the fact that I have an emotional disability to overcome in the sense of my past not leaving me where I need to be on an emotionally functioning level.

I’m emotionally stunted might be a reasonable way to put it, & then there’s the conditioning that takes place when we live under an assumed diagnosis, even if we actually have that ailment.

There’s also the comfort it provides. Yes, being sick is a terrible place to be but also a safe one. No one holds you to any standard or makes you follow through on any commitments, and when you get overwhelmed, you quit. There is always an excuse to be made or reason to put off any responsibility.

Then there’s fear, all the insecurities of the past haunt you. You aren’t where you need to be so it’s easy to “mess up” & receive a poor response from your peers. When this happens it is easy to become afraid & quit again.

People often don’t understand your lack of emotional tack and they don’t stay around at best & become mean at worst.

All this lends itself to loneliness, which leads back to the fear I was speaking of & ultimately the inability to continue on. A vicious unbreakable circle.

But God.

So for me to be in the place to not only admit this, but to SEE it, is huge. It is concrete proof of the miracle that God is bringing about in my internal person.

My life by human standards has been horrible. My life from babyhood on has been marked by pain, grief, loss, & constant sorrow. I have lived a life that nobody I know would ever want to live, but God is healing me. He is making something very beautiful out of absolute tragedy. It feels like it’s taken forever sometimes. But I am so glad He has never left me. I am so glad that He loves me.


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